Brain dump

The deal with this whole blogging thing is that I will have all of these random thoughts throughout the day/week and I think - gosh, that would be something fun/interesting/random to post.  The problem comes when I have these thoughts or observations I am not near the computer or I don't have the desire to sit at the computer to post them.  Today, while Ely is in school and the babies are trying to nap, I will take things that have been knocking around my brain and try to put them into complete thoughts.  Some of you might want to stop reading, this could get very boring!

I am in one of those mental places that is very confusing.  At the very same time, here are the feelings I am having...happy, frustrated, content, hurt, hopeful, excited.  I guess I am thankful that I am not bored on top of all of that :)

To begin with, I am in love with my life.  I love staying at home and having the freedom to determine what I want to do each day.  Some are quiet at home days with too much TV, some are packed full of hoping from meeting one friend to another, some are busy with housework and some are spent outside playing.  Although there gets to be some monantony, if I put a little energy into planning something fun, it is always well worth it.  My kids are  healthy and happy right now.  Ely loves his friends at school and baseball.  He also loves just spending time at home with me and Al.  We are overcoming issues with the Wii and our days are much better and much less focused on electronics (or at least less whining about it!)  The babies are thriving - Molly is walking more and more every day.  I will look up and realized she has crossed a room (rather slowly) but all on her own walking.  Luke is starting to stand unassisted more and more.  He loves throwing a ball and playing with his brother and sister.  They all really do love each other and enjoy being together.

As of today, I am content with what I am doing with my life right now.  I always want to do things better - be a better photographer, be a better cook, be better at writing notes, weigh 20 pounds less, etc.  But it is nice to know that although I have goals, I am content - I haven't always been able to say that the last 14 months.  I spend a lot of time right now looking forward to fun things coming up in the next couple of months.  Next week I am taking the kids to San Antonio with Amy and her kids, Ely graduates from Pre-K, and we have a month long, fun filled trip to Alabama I have just planned finished off with a weekend at PCB (Panama City Beach) with Al.  I am really looking forward to the summer - hours spent at splash pads (I think the babies will love it), play dates with friends, the babies transitioning to 1 nap so we can do fun things in the mornings, VBS, lounging by the pool during nap time.  There is just so much I can't wait for.

It is funny that with all of these warm fuzzies, I still have enough emotional space for the negative stuff.  I am frustrated right now with every meal time.  I feel like I give the kids the same thing each and every day, so there is nothing new.  Luke is desperate to feed himself using a spoon or fork, so we have a battle of the wills every time we start to eat.  Each meal is messier and messier and unless I have chicken nuggets 7 days a week I am going to have to offer things that I know will end in a big mess.  As I type this, I know it is a silly frustration and something I have to let go.  I just feel like I have done this before with Ely and I don't remember this struggle.  I don't remember the messiness or the battle of the wills over silverware!  As a second time mom, I figure I should remember going through this and be better this time around.  I feel like a first time mom and incompetent that I can't figure it out.  Silly?  Yes.

This week I have been faced, once again, with the reality that disappointment happens in life and unfortunately that disappointment can come from people I love the most.  And I know they love me.  Without going into gorey details, I had planned a dinner with 2 girlfriends for this week.  We had been trying to get this together since November and with either business of schedules, kids getting sick, babysitter issues, life, etc, we haven't been able to do it.  Not only was I looking forward to an adult night with my girlfriends, but I needed it.  I needed to not feel like a mom for a little while.  I am glad I got to have drinks and a little food before I had to leave but I am still (two days later) just really bitter that Al wasn't able to hold up his end of the plans and I had to cut my night short.  Very short.  I hate what this bitterness and disappointment does to me and my whole outlook.  I am thankful we are fine, we are in a good place in our relationship and will weather this just fine, but I am also thankful he is out of town this weekend os that I can have some space and get over it in my own time.

How is it that I can be so conflicted with how I feel at this very moment?  What is more amazing is that I know I am not the only person that has so many emotions at one time.  Not only is my Lord able to know and minister to every one of my crazy emotions but He is able to be the great comforter for each and ever person in this entire world at one time.  Wow - I worship a BIG God.  And I am thankful for that.

Oh - and I am thankful :)